You can reach the author of this story at stepsfordads@yahoo.com
How one mother's malice nearly destroyed a family
Written by the stepmother
Once upon a time, we were 'one big happy blended family'; this included my husband and I, his four children, and my daughter from a previous marriage. My husband’s previous wife left him seven years ago, because she wanted her freedom. This translates into: she was having an affair. My husband said she told him she wanted a divorce because she did not want the responsibilities of being a mother or wife.
My husband told her that since she wanted her freedom then she should move, and he would keep their children, ages 2, 3, 4 & 7, at the time. She had originally told him to move out and let the kids stay with her, however by her own admission, she had stated previously that she thought HE was a better parent to the children! To my husband it seemed that if she really felt that way, then he should keep the children. Not to mention that he had a close emotional bond with them, was an excellent father, and of course still is!
So, the 'ex-'left and my husband made a new life for himself and his children. Sadly though, he was in great pain over her betrayal (she had admitted to having more than one affair during their marriage) so it was a very difficult time for him. He struggled to provide a living for four small children and at the same time, tried to make sense of a senseless situation.
You see, one of my husband’s greatest dreams was to have a family, so when his girlfriend, (now the 'ex-') got pregnant, my husband felt that marriage was the honorable thing to do. Sadly, his ex- had admitted to him that she had gotten pregnant on purpose in order to move out of her arent's house, so she could get away from her mother.
My husband had loved his wife with all his heart and believed that she truly loved him. However, years later, after we had been together for sometime, he told me that he now knew she never loved him. He said he knew because for the first time, because of me, he knew the meaning of true love.
After my husband's wife left, she had sporadic contact with all of them afterwards. She would sometimes go weeks without even a telephone call to her abandoned family. In addition, not too long after she left, my husband and his children were 'kicked out' of their home because it was owned by his ex's parents and my husband had been unable to keep up the rent (for obvious reasons), therefore, her parents put the house up for sale! Moreover, his ex's parents are STILL trying to collect the rent money from him, seven years later! My husband had to rent a place and have his mother live with him to help with expenses.
It was a little over a year after the ex- split, that my husband’s mother introduced us to each other. (My previous marriage had ended and I had a ten-year-old daughter that I was raising on my own without the support of her father). We all got along so well together and a 'new' family bond was in the making! At the time however, my husband was not making enough money for all of us to get a home together. He and his mom had a parting of the ways, and I only had a small apartment, so he had to arrange for his children to stay at their maternal grandparent’s house for a while.
The children only slept there, as the majority of their waking moments were either spent in school or with us. Surprisingly, the children’s grandparents made my husband pay $75.00 per week to take care of them, knowing that he was trying to save money to get them a home of their own. The children’s mother was hardly in the picture even at this point, when the children were actually sleeping at her parent’s house, nor was SHE 'required' to pay her parents any money to help with her children’s expenses!
After what seemed like an eternity, not too long afterward, my husband was finally able to save enough money to get a home for us, and the day we all moved in together was one of our happiest moments as a second family!
At this point, I wish I could say that we all lived 'happily ever after' but alas, the ex- decided to get involved, now that the children had a 'new step-mommy' taking care of them. It seemed to unnerve her to see and hear how much the children loved my daughter and me. She and her mother even went so far as to tell the children not to call me mom or say that my daughter was their sister!
This woman, (the ex-) along with her very controlling alcoholic mother, continued to talk badly about my daughter and me to the children. We were put down every time the children went to visit. They would come home upset and confused and would ask their dad why their mom and grandma didn’t like my daughter and me. My husband would comfort them and encourage them to forgive the cruel things that were said about us. He also encouraged the children to pray for their mother and grandmother, to pray that God would soften their hearts towards my daughter and me.
Although my husband believed that his ex- was jealous of our happy family, he never let on to the children how he felt. He would tell them that they were not powerless over their feelings and that they could tell their mother and grandmother how it made them feel when we were spoken badly of. Although the children tried to express their feelings to their mother and grandmother, they were unsuccessful and told they were too young to know how they were feeling or what they wanted!
After a while, the children showed no interest in visiting with their maternal family and did not want to go anymore. The two girls 8 and 10 would cry and cling to us whenever we had to take them to meet their mother. It was so heart-wrenching for me as a 'stepmother', for I felt so powerless to do anything to make things better for them.
We continued to endure the undermining and accusations from my husbands ex- and her family, as well as occasional harassing telephone calls from her. She would call (to complain about me as usual) while her boyfriend (who had been arrested for drugs on more than one occasion) yelled obscenities in the background. I was referred to as the psycho b---- and my husband as the wimp! To say it wasn’t easy is an understatement, but we had a strong faith in God and we learned more and more not to react, but to pray for all of them.
My husband’s ex- had given him physical custody of the children when she filed for divorce, but was not ordered to pay child support. My husband went to court six years after she left, and asked the court to grant his children support. It was awarded a year ago this October and ever since then, our lives have been a living hell! My husbands ex-, now with greed added to jealousy, proceeded to double her efforts to cause strife in our 'second family'. She now demanded to see the children every other weekend. That was not a problem in itself, however, she had acquired quite a hostile attitude over the years and when she had the children with her, she and her mother continued to verbally bash us.
She told my husband that he could not take the children to meet my family in Illinois for Christmas, even though she had visitation with the children every Christmas Eve since I have known her! She told the children to tell me that I was 'forbidden' to cut their hair, yet when they were with her or her sister, they were 'forced' to have their hair cut even after they said they did not want to!
The children were treated as 'possessions' by their mother and her family, rather than as human beings with feelings! Soon my oldest stepson’s grades began to falter, and he asked us on several occasions if he could stay home instead of visiting his mother. He said he was afraid for her to find out that he was doing poorly in school because she would get angry and would be mean to him!
My youngest three stepchildren became even more apprehensive when it came time to visit with their mother and grandmother. The girls especially, would cry and cling to us whenever my husband or I would get in the car to take them to meet her.
Then an unfortunate thing happened. In January 1999, my husband was laid off from his job of five years. We struggled to make ends meet. He looked for employment every day and even put his resume on the Internet. We were fortunate enough to have our church family and my family to help us out. My husband got a job about a month later but he only brought home $400.00 per week, hardly enough for a family of seven to survive on, but we were grateful for what little we had.
Then one day a couple of months later, my husband was offered yet another job, this time in South Florida. He decided to take the job as it paid more than he was making at the time, and we had been quickly sinking into debt. He called his ex-, told her about the job, and said he wanted to work out a liberal visitation schedule for her. No such luck! This woman had been stewing for a couple of months over having to pay child support and now she was out for blood!
My husband went to court and got an ex-parte for a quick court date, as he had to get permission to take the children out of state. I’m sure you can imagine what happened next. My husbands ex- not only did not want him to move to Florida, but she got an attorney who went and filed for custody and child support!
Now our 'big happy blended family' was at the mercy of the California legal system. As I look back, I definitely would have tried to discourage my husband from taking that job in Florida, had I known what was going to happen afterwards. Heck, it would have been better for us to go on Welfare than for him to try to move to another state! A couple weeks later, I got a subpoena delivered to my door. I was to appear in court as a witness per the request of the ex’s attorney.
I had never been to court or been served before, so it was not a happy time for me. The following week, I went to court with my husband and 'lo and behold', who should be there on HER side but my husband’s own mother and his two younger brothers! In addition, there was also his ex’s mother, her sister, and my husband’s sister in law!
It seems all the jealous women got together and decided to do a number on the new 'wicked stepmother'... well at least they tried to portray me as such. Their declarations against me were nothing but lies, lies and more lies, and these people actually swore under penalty of perjury that what they had written was true! I am constantly amazed at how far and how low human beings are capable of going.
Needless to say, my poor husband didn’t know what hit him. Just a few weeks prior, we had his mom and her boyfriend over for a great dinner and fun evening. We had no idea that she had such resentment and anger against us, against me especially! Her behavior towards me had always been that of affirming me and praising me for the great job I was doing of loving and taking care of her grandkids! So, after all the dust settled down (they were never allowed to testify on the stand) my husband got 'permission' to move the children to Florida. However, because the ex- and all her 'cronies' had brought up enough garbage to arouse the judges suspicions, he went and added a long list of 'conditions' my husband had to meet before the ex- was to put the children on a plane to Florida.
We had planned to drive two cars out there with all the children, and send for our furniture after we had gotten a place to live, but the court decided it was 'unsafe' for the children to drive with us! We already had a temporary mobile home to stay in when we got there, but the ex- decided that she did not want her kids to be "trailer trash", so she had put up a big stink about it.
The children showed a lot of apprehension about staying behind, and they did NOT want to stay with their mother at her parents' house, but we assured them that we would send for them as quickly as possible.
I want to interject that during the two months it took my husband to get permission to 'move away', he continued to look for work in all of California and the Western United States. You see, the judge had appointed the children their own attorney (which we had to pay half for), and he kept asking my husband if he had found work yet in the areas he had suggested, which were all of California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado. In other words, he gave my husband the impression that he was against the 'move away', but suggested that it may go better for him if he got a job in any of the above mentioned states! He even made it clear to us that he favored 'frequent and continuous contact between the children and their mother'. Never mind the fact that their mother had minimal involvement (which she tried unsuccessfully to blame on me) in the children’s lives up until she had to pay child support, nor that she had never bothered to establish a close emotional bond with her children, NOR the fact, which the children’s attorney had been made aware of, that she and her mother had verbally and emotionally abused the children over the years. We won't mention the occasional slaps on the face (abuse) that she gave her oldest teenage son when he stepped out of line! THAT was the attorney’s take on the situation, 'frequent and continuous contact between the children and their mother', which was considered to be, "in their best interest"!
The children’s attorney had however, told the court that he felt there was no reason for a change of custody and that my husband was an excellent parent to the children. Reluctantly, my husband, daughter and I said our good-byes to the children, and approximately one-week after he got permission to move away with them, a misnomer it seems,) we arrived in Florida and immediately began to look for housing.
My husband was also to enroll the children in their appropriate schools, purchase plane tickets, and provide pay stubs, get receipts for utility hookups, etc.,etc., in order to meet the demands of the court. Everything seemed to be going smoothly (except for the fact that we all missed the children terribly), and then one day, about a week after we had arrived in Florida, my husband got a call on his pager. It was from a job recruiter who had picked up his resume off the Internet in Northern California. He returned the call and was offered a job making almost twice as much as he was making at his new job in Florida and more money than he had made in his entire career!
He was reluctant to take the job however, as another one of the courts 'concerns' was that my husband changed jobs and residence too often. Like it was his 'choice' to be laid off or to suffer the hardships he suffered after his wife left him! Nonetheless, his new supervisor encouraged him to take the job. He knew about - and understood - my husband’s dilemma involving the children, and the big issue brought up in court about him not making enough money to properly support his family!
Unfortunately, my husband’s boss was not able to offer him more money to stay, so with his blessing, my husband accepted the job. In addition, going BACK to California would prove that the 'move away' was not an attempt to frustrate the ex’s visitation, as her attorney had so 'unconvincingly' stated to the court. Moreover, the move would also place the children a lot closer to their mother and her family, which was another 'major concern' expressed by the mother, not to mention that my husband's increased income would alleviate the mother’s fears that he would not be able to pay for the children’s visitation transportation.
At this point, it actually seemed like our prayers had been answered! We had suffered quite a setback during my husband's time of unemployment and it looked like things were finally turning in our favor.
Although my husband was not concerned about making a lot of money, he had always wanted to make enough to buy a home for us some day, and even to be able to buy me a present now and again. Heck, we never even had a honeymoon after we were married, as we had to rush home (the ex- had refused to take the children so we could get married), and could not afford one at the time. We could not afford those luxuries with my husband being the sole provider for his family.
So again we were on the road, this time headed BACK to California. Once we arrived, my husband proceeded to meet the courts 'conditions', the only difference being, now we were back in the children’s home state, which they had never even left! My husband had called his ex- before we left Florida and told her of his decision to come back and take a job in Northern California. He told her that as soon as he faxed the info to her attorney, he would come down to pick up the children. She had no response except dead silence.
After we were settled in Northern California and my husband had gotten as much info together as he could, he faxed it to her attorney and called her back. He said he would be there the next day to get the children. Her eloquent reply was something like, No way are you taking the kids, get your --- back to Florida if you want them!
First she didn’t want the children to go to Florida and then she tells my husband to go BACK so he can have them? My husband flew down to Southern California anyway. He went to get the children at her parent’s house where they had been staying, and of course, they were not there. My husband had even taken the sheriff with him, but the ex’s parents were beligerent to the sheriff (according to my husband, her father almost got himself arrested!) and would not give any information as to the children’s whereabouts. The X had managed to hide the children probably at her attorney’s suggestion), from him all weekend, and ignored all of his calls to her pager.
Then on Monday her attorney paged my husband and told him to meet him in court the following day. My husband went to court and was able to get an attorney for a one-time special appearance. His ex has her own 'full time' attorney, whom her parents are conveniently paying for. My husband went to court and the judge didn’t even come out of his chambers to speak with either of the attorneys. He just went ahead and signed the restraining order from her attorney, preventing my husband from taking the children out of Southern California! In so doing, the judge was also granting permission for my husbands ex- to enroll the children in school in Southern California, (which she had already done).
My very shocked husband was allowed 'reasonable visitation', the child support was dropped and a new court date was set for four weeks later because HER attorney was 'conveniently' going on vacation that whole time! Although my husband was granted 'visitation', his ex- would not let him see the children the whole time he was there. She would not even let him speak to them over the telephone, and so he came home, tired, discouraged, and very sad. Four weeks later he was in court again, this time without representation (no more money), and the ex- was given primary physical custody of the children AND awarded child support pending a hearing on December 15, 1999.
Keep in mind, this is a woman who 'voluntarily' walked out on her family seven years prior and paid NO support for six years! A woman who admitted to her husband that she did NOT want the responsibility of being a mother!
After court, the ex- allowed my husband (their custodial parent for seven years), to see his children, and it was the first time we were together again as a 'family' in over eight weeks! For six years prior to this, none of us had been apart from each other for more than a week. We are in shock over what has transpired and the children are devastated that they cannot come home.
Last week we went to storage to get some things and the three younger children asked their dad if he would bring all their things (stuffed animals, toys, some clothes) up here and set them up in their rooms! They have made it very clear to us that they do not want to live with their mother. My youngest stepdaughter, (age two when her mother left), is now nine, and was three years old when I came into her life. She has been with me on a daily basis longer than she was even with her mother. She cried her eyes out the last two times we dropped her off to her mother and would not let go of me, while her mother stood there tapping her foot impatiently! The saddest part is that the children are the true victims, and the ones who are suffering the most.
The mother knows how badly the three younger ones want to be with us, so what does she do? She signs them up for every imaginable activity, probably in the hopes that they will get so involved that they will forget about us, not to mention how 'good' it will look to the court if they are 'actively involved in their community'! How utterly predictable! The children don’t realize the alternative motive behind their mother asking them if they want to play this sport or that, join this club, etc., etc.!
Again, she is using them as "pawns" in order to further her financial gain (child support)! She has also said to them just recently (after they told her that they wanted to live with their dad), that they are too young to know what they want and that only SHE knows what’s best for them! Regardless of all her manipulation, my stepdaughters do not have a close emotional bond with their mother and it is not my fault! I have been falsely accused of trying to take the children’s affections away from their mother, when in reality all I have done is chose to LOVE them unconditionally, period!
Kids know when they are receiving genuine love and affection. If a parent chooses, for whatever reason, not to be there for their child and nurture that relationship, and someone comes along who does want to be there for them, should that be considered a bad thing? Shouldn’t the parent who is not there for the child in the ways they need, be happy if their child is receiving love and nurturing? A parent cannot just opt out of a committed relationship with their child and then expect, years later, that they can just pick up where they left off!
It is erroneous for them to think that nothing will have changed, and that the child will be loyal to him or her if the parent has not maintained a close intimate relationship with that child? My oldest stepson (14) is the only one who wants to stay with his mother, as he has his best friend down the street and a girlfriend as well. My daughter is heartbroken however, as her brothers and sisters (the only ones she has ever known or will know, as the ex- made my husband get a vasectomy after the last child was born), have been ripped out of her life! She was especially close to my oldest stepson, as they are closest in age(she is 16).
My daughter feels abandoned and betrayed by her brother and feels that he and his mother are being selfish. She cries when we hang up after talking to the children, or if she sees a picture or video of all of us together. She is also heartbroken over the fact that she and I were 'ordered' by the ex’s father not to call their house ever again to speak with the children!
Yes, I am their stepmother and have been helping my husband raise his children for the past six years, yet I do not have the liberty or right to call them on my own? Of course, I do get to speak with them when my husband calls them, however my oldest stepdaughter said that our conversations are being listened in on! Moreover, you can’t imagine how hard it is not to speak with or see them every day as I have for so many years.
I have been a stay-at-home mom since the children were young, as my husband felt it would be better for them if they had a parent there when they came home from school. I can only say at this point that this has been the most painful time of my whole life!
I love my stepchildren dearly, and we have all developed a strong emotional and psychological bond between us. To have our family torn apart over greed and jealousy is the most heinous thing I have ever experienced! My husband and I have worked very hard at providing a stable, loving home for the children. They have been our life.
We have done our best to be a strong tower for them. We have helped them through the pain of not only being left by their mother, and my daughter by her father, but the pain of my husband's children having to listen to their mother’s and grandmother’s hostility against me and my daughter. The children’s grandmother even physically and verbally assaulted me a couple months ago (which the children saw), while I was sitting in our car when my husband went to pick them up after visitation!
Regardless of all the abuse, we have taught the children to love others despite their faults, and to show mercy and forgiveness to those whose words or actions hurt them. We always encouraged the children to show respect for their mother, and have encouraged her to have more contact with the children over the years, albeit with little success until the child support became an issue!
This past weekend we drove down nine hours) to see the children, and the three younger ones (ages 9, 10 and 11), all wanted to come home with daddy, mommy and sissy. They even asked if they could hide in the back of the truck, so they could come home with us! We are all devastated to say the least, and very confused as to why this has happened to our family.
In addition, my husband just got papers from his ex’s attorney telling him he has to pay $2,024 in child support each month! Never mind the fact that he is only bringing home $800 per week after taxes and paying back the loan his boss gave us to move into our home. Never mind that the four-bedroom home we rented last month (with a one-year lease, per court order) for our 'big family' costs $1,500 per month. Moreover, it seems we will never be able to pay all the attorneys' fees, our past due bills, utilities, food, or the children’s airline tickets to fly up here once a month and for holidays. Nor will we have the money for gas to make the nine-hour drive down to Southern California once a month to 'visit' with the children!
After the child support is taken out of my husband’s wages, we will only have a little over $1,000 to live on for the whole month. That won’t even cover our rent, let alone all the other necessities of life! In addition, he has to pay $150.00 in arrears each month, which was retroactive as of Sept. 1st.
My husband took this job so he would be able support his 'blended family' more comfortably, NOT his single ex-wife, who already has a job and will be getting a little less in child support than she is bringing in each month!
Moreover, by her own admission, she pays no rent at her parents house, as they own their home, and she has very minimal expenses each month. In other words, she makes more money than my husband was making in Florida and can easily support the children on her own, like my husband did for so many years! In addition, she blatantly told my husband that she is going for custody so SHE can get the child support reversed.
So the story goes... My marriage is not doing very well with all the added stress. I have been frantically looking for work but to no avail, as I have not worked in over ten years and have few skills in which to make any substantial amount of money. My husband’s oldest son has sided with his mother, for obvious reasons. For that matter, he practically LIVES at his friend's house and spends every free moment there!
It seems he has learned a very valuable lesson from his mother - a lesson on how to be selfish and inconsiderate of the needs and feelings of others! And the court believes that SHE is the better parent to raise these children?
You can reach the author of this story at stepsfordads@yahoo.com